Welcome to
( the only church You'll Ever Need)
Knowing full well that competition for "God Bucks" is fierce,
GONZ, in HIS infinite wisdom, came up with a package of services
sure to fit a wide range of needs with REDEMPTION and glory
in the after-life as fundamental guarantees
or double your money back!
PRAISE GONZ! Finally there is a church where people can be absolved of their sins in a relatively painless manner and in a variety of formats
and disciplines suited to their particular levels of wickedness and volumes of improprieties and transgressions.
There are 4 basic worship plans starting with the Negligibly Naughty Plan at $200 a month for basically decent people, which includes
4 services a month, Monday night bingo, and a monthly "social" and partner-swap meet.
The top of the line package is geared around the serious criminally-minded folks and nefarious sinners that require extra in the way of
absolution and bail bond services along with in-house detox, methadone clinic and legal representation and consultation.
There are also a variety of negotiable packages available depending on your needs and financial capabilities. We have something for
EVERYONE!
You know, no-body knows for sure what will happen after you die, but don't you think it's worth
buying a little insurance against an eternity of damnation and hell? Gonz has plans that can fit into
any budget, with MONEY BACK GUARANTEES!
PSALM 149
Praise ye the Lord. Sing unto the Lord a new song, and his praise in
the congregation of saints.
3. Let them praise his name in the dance: let them sing praise unto
him with the timbrel and harp.
Gonz's connections with the hereafter insure quality accommodations and/or protection services.
Some of the most hard-core sinners have found respite and peace of mind in The Church of Gonz. "THPPT! BWACH! OOP ACK!!", says Bill the Cat,
notorious womanizer and general ne'er-do-well.
Elijah Gehring Gonz, founder of The Church of Gonz in 1947,
Buenos Aires, Argentina.
He abandoned Wilhelm when he was 5, but the boy had religion in his blood and was
destined to "The Life".
(due to the missing HISTORY OF GONZ, some of this needs explaining)
Wilhelm Sebastian Gonz, son of Elijah Gerhring Gonz, is the full name of
GONZ, and so it is written!
"Dearest Gonz: The spiritual rewards more than outweigh the
devastation of my bank accounts. Bill the Cat and I have our
respective noses to the grindstone(painfully I might add)in the ethereal
hope of making more money for the CHURCH OF GONZ!!
May your deity reign an eternity." Bad Dog
BAD DOG DAVE BROWN is now Number One of THE HIGH FIVE!
GONZ PRAISE Number One!
Four of The Original HIGH FIVE grappling with some
delicate financial decisions. Services for "Number Five"
will be held next Thursday, please attend. $10.00 at the door
and all the beer you can drink.
1986. a grizzly scene,
a body never identified,
or even found.
"I AM SO TOUCHED BY THE GONZ. As soon as my eyes clear enough to see normal again (heavy binge), I will send all my E-toys stock to the church
and any drink tokens that I may have staggered home with. Live On brethrens"
"Before I joined the Church Of Gonz, I was broke, homeless and driving an old Toyota pickup truck. After I joined the Church Of Gonz, I got a job, a
home and a BMW. Miracles really happen at the Church Of Gonz. I am living proof that the Church Of Gonz will improve the quality of your life. Praise be
to Gonz." Julia Fairchild, Testimonialist
"Before I gave my all to Gonz I cudn't dance..or even sing much. Now I got my doggies BARKIN!" Willie is now the host and dance instructor at the
Thursday Night "Let Out The Doggies" free-for-all and beer-fest ($7.99 at the door; gnosh-pit extra for couples, mosh-pit free for head-bangers, marsh
and gravel pit is closed pending police investigation and dredging).
SEND MONEY!
( the only church You'll Ever Need)
Knowing full well that competition for "God Bucks" is fierce,
GONZ, in HIS infinite wisdom, came up with a package of services
sure to fit a wide range of needs with REDEMPTION and glory
in the after-life as fundamental guarantees
or double your money back!
PRAISE GONZ! Finally there is a church where people can be absolved of their sins in a relatively painless manner and in a variety of formats
and disciplines suited to their particular levels of wickedness and volumes of improprieties and transgressions.
There are 4 basic worship plans starting with the Negligibly Naughty Plan at $200 a month for basically decent people, which includes
4 services a month, Monday night bingo, and a monthly "social" and partner-swap meet.
The top of the line package is geared around the serious criminally-minded folks and nefarious sinners that require extra in the way of
absolution and bail bond services along with in-house detox, methadone clinic and legal representation and consultation.
There are also a variety of negotiable packages available depending on your needs and financial capabilities. We have something for
EVERYONE!
You know, no-body knows for sure what will happen after you die, but don't you think it's worth
buying a little insurance against an eternity of damnation and hell? Gonz has plans that can fit into
any budget, with MONEY BACK GUARANTEES!
PSALM 149
Praise ye the Lord. Sing unto the Lord a new song, and his praise in
the congregation of saints.
3. Let them praise his name in the dance: let them sing praise unto
him with the timbrel and harp.
Gonz's connections with the hereafter insure quality accommodations and/or protection services.
Some of the most hard-core sinners have found respite and peace of mind in The Church of Gonz. "THPPT! BWACH! OOP ACK!!", says Bill the Cat,
notorious womanizer and general ne'er-do-well.
Elijah Gehring Gonz, founder of The Church of Gonz in 1947,
Buenos Aires, Argentina.
He abandoned Wilhelm when he was 5, but the boy had religion in his blood and was
destined to "The Life".
(due to the missing HISTORY OF GONZ, some of this needs explaining)
Wilhelm Sebastian Gonz, son of Elijah Gerhring Gonz, is the full name of
GONZ, and so it is written!
"Dearest Gonz: The spiritual rewards more than outweigh the
devastation of my bank accounts. Bill the Cat and I have our
respective noses to the grindstone(painfully I might add)in the ethereal
hope of making more money for the CHURCH OF GONZ!!
May your deity reign an eternity." Bad Dog
BAD DOG DAVE BROWN is now Number One of THE HIGH FIVE!
GONZ PRAISE Number One!
Four of The Original HIGH FIVE grappling with some
delicate financial decisions. Services for "Number Five"
will be held next Thursday, please attend. $10.00 at the door
and all the beer you can drink.
1986. a grizzly scene,
a body never identified,
or even found.
"I AM SO TOUCHED BY THE GONZ. As soon as my eyes clear enough to see normal again (heavy binge), I will send all my E-toys stock to the church
and any drink tokens that I may have staggered home with. Live On brethrens"
"Before I joined the Church Of Gonz, I was broke, homeless and driving an old Toyota pickup truck. After I joined the Church Of Gonz, I got a job, a
home and a BMW. Miracles really happen at the Church Of Gonz. I am living proof that the Church Of Gonz will improve the quality of your life. Praise be
to Gonz." Julia Fairchild, Testimonialist
"Before I gave my all to Gonz I cudn't dance..or even sing much. Now I got my doggies BARKIN!" Willie is now the host and dance instructor at the
Thursday Night "Let Out The Doggies" free-for-all and beer-fest ($7.99 at the door; gnosh-pit extra for couples, mosh-pit free for head-bangers, marsh
and gravel pit is closed pending police investigation and dredging).
SEND MONEY!
GONZ BLESS HIM! "Pay or Die" Pat
has shown up from nowhere and
assumed the role of tithing
administrator for The Church. We
hope to see a renewed vigor in paying
tithes, and a decline in "dead-beat"
donors. If you hear a knock at your
door, pray to GONZ it's not Pat.
has shown up from nowhere and
assumed the role of tithing
administrator for The Church. We
hope to see a renewed vigor in paying
tithes, and a decline in "dead-beat"
donors. If you hear a knock at your
door, pray to GONZ it's not Pat.
| The position of number two is difficult to maintain but thanks be to GONZ that my trials are at an end and so can yours (legal services extra). I came to Costa Rica with nothing but a backpack full of worldly possessions and now I still have that backpack!!!! My new house (Gonz has two as is fitting) is comfortable as is the foreign car in the driveway. Thanks to Gonz I am no longer a skinny waif..I can afford to eat regularly and have the bowel movements to prove it. I also have the weight of a successful Teddy bear.. The crosses we in the church hierarchy must bear are far too many to count. We daily test various batches of booze and other substances for quality, we process donations without the aid of accountants or oversight, take long walks down shaded streets, visit the ocean and rivers to make sure they working...we do all of this so you, the faithful, don't have to. You can stay at work and send in the money that allows us to keep you very well informed on these seemingly trivial yet ever so distracting matters. Remember, Gonz takes all forms of donations..cash, jewelry, new/used (please wash first) clothing, discounts to restaurants, credit cards, debit cards (please provide PIN numbers) checks, gift certificates, cars, trucks and many other things like property deeds. We are here for YOU, don't delay in sending any or all of the above items and I can assure a "Proper" blessing (your name included and repeated at least twice) from the Gonz himself. May Gonz bless you!!" Mark M. Kahle |
| Exciting CHURCH News! Is there any other kind? |
Brother Mark Kahle has wrangled his way
into the NUMBER TWO position in THE HIGH
FIVE, and will now be in charge of The Costa Rica
Operation, Church of GONZ, Inc.
into the NUMBER TWO position in THE HIGH
FIVE, and will now be in charge of The Costa Rica
Operation, Church of GONZ, Inc.
Immaad Assahatter has been
bumped to Number Three, and is still running
the Church of GONZ Beirut
http://gonzphoto.com/mahatmacoat.html
with decidedly mixed results.
bumped to Number Three, and is still running
the Church of GONZ Beirut
http://gonzphoto.com/mahatmacoat.html
with decidedly mixed results.
Congratulations MARK! (please keep
in Mind that Pay or Die Pat will be
occasionally monitoring the cash flow,
and gets very nasty when he doesn't
get his cut while still maintaining a
pittance to be passed on to GONZ.)
in Mind that Pay or Die Pat will be
occasionally monitoring the cash flow,
and gets very nasty when he doesn't
get his cut while still maintaining a
pittance to be passed on to GONZ.)
| CONTACT ONE OF THE HIGH FIVE! @ 1-800-LUV-GONZ NOW! |
